It’s finally going to happen. Start buying guns and plywood. From Halifax to Victoria. From Windsor to Tuktoyaktuk. Barricade your homes. The Americans are coming. Sometime late this November, in fact. Depending on how the American presidential election pans out this fall, you can expect a surge of desperate dissidents who despise the despotic demon that darned other side voted for and want to flee their homeland. And come to Canada, eh?

Our global intelligence group has put together a list of plausible outcomes. Read carefully and put together an emergency support kit (ESK) appropriate for the outcome you believe most likely. 


Next President: Ben Carson

Ben Carson By Michael Vadon (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

by Michael Vadon / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY-SA 4.0

Dr. Ben Carson wins the nomination and the election in an amazing comeback filled with grace, prayer, and bibles.


Who flees the USA to come to Canada?

Barack Obama and his new Canadian figure skating wife – after a quick and dirty divorce from Michelle. Barack and new spouse convert to Islam at a moving ceremony in Regina. Prime Minister Trudeau weeps with joy, but dries up his tears before his photo ops with Obama and wife.


What Canadians need to buy

Farmland in Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Quebec. That’s where fleeing U.S. Muslims will be rebuilding their mosques.


Next President: Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

by Gage Skidmore / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY-SA 3.0

Bernie Sanders wins the nomination despite a few assassination attempts (paid for by Hillary’s Hollywood fundraisers) and then wins the election. Despite a few assassination attempts (paid for by insurance companies).


Who flees the USA to come to Canada?

Montana ranchers who flee to Alberta to protest the new universal health care system President Sanders puts in place with the help of the GOP Congress.


What Canadians need to buy

Stock or bonds of private insurance companies in Canada, as Canada’s public health system cannot keep up with the added strain of all those ranchers moving to somewhere south of Lethbridge. Health care in Canada splits into a private-public system.


Next President: Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio By Gage Skidmore (Flickr) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

by Gage Skidmore / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY-SA 2.0

Marco Rubio wins the nomination with Cruz and Trump dying in puzzling circumstances. There are rumors of funds moving between accounts in the Cayman Islands to pay for those unfortunate accidents his competitors suffered.


Who flees the USA to come to Canada?

Anti-ethanol, vegetarian, Tea Party, pacifist Libertarians swarm to the border with a really cool app that lets them know at what border crossing the wait times are the shortest.


What Canadians need to buy

Any small Canadian software firm that builds really cool apps, including ones for wait times at the border when you want to get back in to the USA.


Next President: Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz By United States Senate (Office of Senator Ted Cruz) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

[Public Domain]

Ted Cruz wins the nomination after Trump and Rubio die in mysterious circumstances. No money changes hands in offshore bank accounts, but there are puzzling gaps in Senator Cruz’s schedule at the precise time slots when both Trump and Rubio are assassinated.


Who flees the USA to come to Canada?

The entire Republican Congress – except Rand Paul – flee on a chartered flight to Calgary. McConnell buys a home in the foothills and says it reminds him of Kentucky. The rest stay in Calgary and go to work for the oil industry.


What Canadians need to buy

Stocks of perpetually almost-bankrupt Canadian junior oil and gas companies. Or any gun dealership in Alberta you can get your hands on. A pipeline stock would be a nice buy as well.


Next President: Donald Trump

Donald Trump By Michael Vadon [CC BY-SA 2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

by Michael Vadon / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY-SA 2.0

The Donald, the One and Only Trump, wins the nomination and the presidency despite assassination attempts by frustrated ex love interests.


Who flees the USA to come to Canada?

No one leaves. Trump promises everyone everything. Suddenly America Loves Donald Again.


What Canadians need to buy

Shares of Univision Media Group. The Spanish Language Network takes off after winning prime FCC spectrum auctions in suspicious circumstances. Fox News accuses Trump of giving away the airwaves to the Mexicans. Trump pacifies Fox by appointing Megyn Kelly to head the FCC. Univision starts running documentaries on the necessity of building a wall on the southern U.S. border, but with plans for Casinos on either side. Tijuana becomes the new Vegas. Everyone loves Trump.

Get Help Now

Of course, you could also consult Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship Canada on estimates of Americans immigrating to Canada. You would find that the numbers are consistent from year to year – between 8K to 10K total migrants per year. (Even in election years.) And minimal: that totals less than 5% of Canada’s annual intake of immigrants. And aside from frustrations about finding a good job, and over wait times in healthcare – a little like average Canadians if we’re going to be honest here – they tend to fit in very nicely thank you. 


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